Learning To Forgive

This topic did not just come out of the blue.  I am reading Dr Phil, my idol's book, entitled:

Life Strategies

(Doing what works;  doing what matters)

One of the life laws he discussed that struck me is "the power of forgiveness"

Are you the type to "forgive and forget" easily; or are you one who holds grudges and remain angry until you are vindicated?   If you are the former, I believe you are blessed with a better frame of mind and most likely in much better health.  

Why?

I don't exactly remember how I got this idea, I think I read it somewhere that with just a single negative thought that travels from the brain to any part of the body, lodges on an organ creates havoc and causes illness.

I surmise that Dr Phil validates the idea when he wrote: 

"For every thought or feeling, there is a physiological reaction.

When you harbor hatred, anger and resentment, your body's chemical balance is dramatically disrupted.  It means that these emotions are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy and relaxation."

Furthermore, he explains that when the body is physiologically imbalance, it may cause sleep disturbance, nightmares or fatigue thus developing tension headaches, migraine, ulcers and sometimes to a great consequence cause heart attack.  

"But this person hurt me, I can't just let him do that to me.", you say; I'd say, "let it go".  Why give this person the power to make you feel bad?    Why give him that pleasure?  Besides, isn't it often said that we can't control other people's actions, but we can control our reaction?  In fact, we can choose our reaction. 

I'm sure that all of us got hurt one or more times, at different degrees, and for some, maybe a lot more times, no one is spared, and surely not me.  

As I recall, I also got hurt so bad in more ways than one that I can't even write it here. Human that I am, I felt hurt, offended and angry, I felt like I wanted to hurt back.  But I learned that forgiveness is the solution to these negative feelings. 

Of course, it's not very easy to forgive especially in the face of very strong emotions like hurt, anger and retaliation.  Eileen Barker, a lawyer-mediator, in one of her blogs wrote that "forgiveness seems to be the last thing you would consider when you are upset". 

But she says in so many words that forgiveness is for your own benefit; the other person need not know that you have forgiven.  It also doesn't mean that you condone the bad behavior and forget what happened, but forgiveness helps release difficult emotions including blame, anger and grief without denying or minimizing your feelings. 

So, how long are you going to nurture your anger?, Barker asks.  How much suffering is enough? Who is your anger hurting?  

For everyone out there, if you are still harboring anger and still want vindication, I say that it is best to forgive and set yourself free and have emotional closure.

According to Dr Phil, if you don't do that, you will live in anger and frustration, not only will you continue to pay the price for the rest of your life but your spouse and children as well because you will be unconsciously angry at everyone and everything. 

I agree with Eileen Barker when she said that 

"the best revenge is a happy life". 

 And she quoted Oscar Wilde who said:

"Always forgive your enemies.  Nothing infuriates them so".

Meeting An Old Friend After A Long Time Feels Like Nothing Has Changed.

Len is a very interesting friend on Facebook.  In fact, we had more interaction here than we ever did personally way back when we were graders; at least that's what I remember, unless she'll say otherwise.   

I've wondered earlier whether we would be awkward since we haven't seen each other in over 40 years; besides I really didn't know her that well, especially as an adult.  Actually my contemporary and childhood best friend is her older sister, Eve.  Our families were very close though, my Dad and hers were best friends that's why I wanted very much to reconnect with them. 

Their home is one of the most wholesome and interesting places I'd known while I was growing up.  There are six sisters and two brothers and their Mom was a very charming lady who stayed at home and sews a lot.  So, these girls always wore pretty dresses, though my dresses were bought at Cinderella, I still envied them. 

Every so often, before or after school, I'd go to their place, often with the gang.  Her parents are very generous, they'll let everyone climb their guava trees and get all the yummy fruits we can pick and carry.   We would come down from the trees with our pockets bulging and often overflowing with guavas.  Under the trees were swings that we also enjoyed. 

Their dad was a lawyer who worked as a consul and eventually was assigned in New York.  Eventually,  he moved the whole family over there for good; and I haven't seen them since.  The girls worked there after college and settled in the US permanently. 

"We will be coming home for a visit sometime soon", Len mentioned on Facebook.

"That's great news, come meet me so we can catch up", I replied. 

"Yes, I'll surely come looking for you", she post back. 

Finally last week, she confirmed the date for us to meet up.  

"I hope you'll consider coming over for breakfast, brunch or lunch here at home", I post.  "It would be great to get to know your husband as well".  Unfortunately, he had some real estate matters to attend to.

"I'd love to have lunch with you if I may?, she replied. "Is there anything you want from here?, she asked.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm good. No need to bring anything, I just want to see you", I replied.  

But she still brought some stuffs for me.  You  have to know the "culture" of my town mates, and most Filipinos in general; bringing something for friends back home is a tradition.  In fact, they say that Filipinos even have a term for that, "pasalubong", which doesn't have a one-word translation in English, it means  "something to bring home as a gift"  for those you are going to visit. 

We got her from her cousin's and brought her to our home, we took pictures, she said she will show them to her sisters. 

I could have easily cooked our lunch, in fact, I have all the ingredients ready but since the temperature is 40 degrees, it's too hot to cook and she may be uncomfortable as well since only our bedrooms are air conditioned. 

Here we are at Le Petite Cherie, having lunch.

It took us quite awhile to finish lunch, there's just too much to talk about, remembering friends and town mates, where they are now and who married who, while my husband patiently listened and tried to be part of the conversation. 

The encounter seemed too short, she has a month left of her vacation but it has been planned out well.  They would be island hopping in the south of the archipelago with friends to enjoy nature and the beaches. So we agreed to meet again next year when she'll come back here with her sisters. 

Thanks for the visit Len, enjoy the rest of your vacation and see you again soon. 

The Epitome Of Beauty

"If eyes were made for seeing, then beauty is its own excuse for being." ----Ralph Waldo Emerson. 

You may wonder why I now focus on such a big subject as "beauty", a "big deal" to many and a "huge deal" to a few.  

I guess this was inspired by two things; the latest love song,

"crazy beautiful" of David Pomeranz, and a local movie,

"crazy beautiful you" that was showing at the mall recently. 

"beauty is in the eyes of the beholder"

I've often wondered who said this quote first. 

So I googled and I initially got this funny answer:

"Maybe the one who said that has an ugly partner", 

and I couldn't stop laughing.  

Shakespeare likewise was mentioned believing in the saying, having quoted the same thing in so many words.  Then I happened along this phrase finder link and got my answer.  Click the link to find out. 

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/beauty-is-in-the-eye-of-the-beholder.html

So, what about you, do you believe that 

"beauty is in the eyes of the beholder"?  

I myself believe it's true; someone even said that:

"Beauty is not real, it only exist in perception".

Proof?  Look around and see couples whose partners are the unlikely choices if we go by the common standard; that is, their physical appearance should compliment or match each other well; tall people should get partners approximately their size; a handsome guy looking like he came out of a GQ magazine page get as partner a Victoria Secret Angel; or someone as good looking as he is. 

But what do we see?  

In our village alone, I often see this very tall and lanky guy who jogs with this average-height woman whose head doesn't even reach his chest.  Then there's this very handsome, really attractive guy who is head-over-heels with a double-plus-size woman; not that I don't believe this big lady deserves this gorgeous guy as her partner.  What I'm just trying to say is that there must be other elements in the attraction that is beyond the physical.  

Of course!  Why do CEOs seem to get all the attention from the ladies?  Is it his money?  But then, why do very rich girls probably far richer than them are attracted as well; they even go to certain extents to outdo other ladies for their attention.  Is it the power that they represent or the confidence that they exude?

Then again some CEOs are neither young nor handsome, some are old, short and bald with bulging beer-bellies yet attractive nonetheless;  so what is it?  Could it be their charisma for one, wisdom and maturity another, or that and self-assurance all rolled into one?  After all, isn't it true that "we create what we project", no matter how we look, how much money we have or power we weild.

Then there's the beauty standard of the entertainment industry and the fashion world; a criteria that seem impossible to achieve for ordinary people like the majority; unless one practically stops eating to keep a Barbie-doll figure.  Do we really need to starve to look beautiful?  Many of us put ourselves down if we don't look like them and it makes us insecure and unhappy.  Do we need a flat belly or a perk nose to look and feel beautiful and happy?

Very often, we idolize celebrities or models who graze magazine covers.  But do we even understand how much air-brushing they go through just to have a flawless skin?  Do we know of the crazy diets they follow to a point of hunger so they can remain in the trend?  Do we count how many times they go under the knife?  And what about the fact that some have to deal with a relentless personal trainer who drive them to a point of drop-dead exhaustion?  Just think, can we, "ordinary" individuals cope with all that just to meet this crazy norm?  Who even says what's beautiful? 

While I was writing this, by coincidence my husband mentioned about the new regulation in France on hiring models for the fashion industry.  He didn't know that I was writing this blog.  At the same time, there was this fashion show on TV and he said: 

"Look, the model is not so thin", and I saw what he was talking about. So I googled the topic and learned that just recently the French government has intervened in this criteria, so much so that they put a minimum weight for models relative to their height. Then some countries in Europe adopted the policy as well. Click the link below to know more about it.  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/03/france-models-body-mass-index_n_6999244.html

The majority of us are often misled what is truly beautiful; thinking that a perfect figure with finely sculptured face is the "look" that we covet to posses.   I myself has not been immune to that belief earlier; having also spent thousands for all the hot or cold "wraps", to lose "inches" all over; I patiently spent time endlessly connected to machines that does its work for the same purpose.  I also tried almost every diet that experts claim to be the most effective.

But then, when I turned 60, my consideration changed. To maintain a diet and regular exercise is no longer about vanity but on a higher plane; ultimately it is all for health and well-being.  Nowadays, I'm done with punishing routines to remove excess, and turned to exercise that could easily weave into my daily life; something that doesn't take much will-power but something really enjoyable.  I like the feeling right after an hour walk, it is truly rewarding.  Regards my diet, I can still eat what I like but common sense now dictates what I put in my mouth. 

Regardless our age, most of us are still trying to come to terms with beauty standards, we still compare ourselves to the "ideal" projected in media because comparison is the only standard we know.  But then, John Kenneth Galbraith says:

"There is no absolute standard of Beauty, that precisely is why its pursuit is so interesting"

Why can't we see the beauty in a big girl with a flawless skin; someone with an angelic face as well as a beguiling smile?  Or a wise "old man" with his maturity and wisdom regardless of his white hair and wrinkled face?  Why can't we  recognize an ordinary looking girl with a smooth and glossy hair and perfectly-white-as-pearls teeth?  Why can't we look into the eyes of a friend and appreciate her sincerity and loyalty? 

My doctor, an Iridologist doesn't want me to lose weight. 

"You will look old and haggard", he says.  Whenever he looks into my eye through his high-powered lense, he says that my organs are healthy and doing fine.  My chiropractor on the other hand says he will pay 10 million dollars to have my almost perfect spinal column.  True or not, it's really the way I want to look at it; I learned that acceptance of what is there is the secret to be happy. 

So, why don't we ditch the so-called standard and have some fun; accept what's been given and look for our place in this ever-shifting realms of style and beauty. 

What do you say?

My MOMGO (mung bean) Recipe

The mung bean, commonly called mongo in Asia is from the legume family.  It is rich in fiber, protein and potassium and some vitamins. This is how it looks like when the seeds are taken off from the pod. 

I thought I'd cook sautéed mongo this Holy Week.  It is a cheap viand and commonly paired with "daing na bangus", (boneless milkfish dredged in vinegar, salt, crushed garlic and ground pepper), then fried.

One Monday morning, I was out of fresh veggies to cook for lunch, so I went to a veggie vendor at the corner looking for fresh leaves to add, malungay leaves or ampalaya (bitter gord leaves) is usually added. 

"What will you cook for lunch?", 

my nosy neighbor who happened along asked.  BTW, it is common for neighbors to ask what you'll be cooking, very personal, yes, but that's how it is, it's not unusual.  

"Oh, I run out of fresh veggies, so I thought I'd cook "ginisang mongo"(sautéed mongo)". I replied.

"Why are you out of schedule?  Isn't sautéed mongo served on Fridays together with fried milk fish?", she asked again. 

I just smiled, I didn't want to insult her by saying that I don't care about the schedule, I just wanted to cook mongo that day and who cares? 

But my neighbor is just being logical.   Yes, it true that Filipinos usually cook that on Fridays; I just don't know how the tradition started, but maybe because Filipinos abstain from meats on the Fridays of Lent, that's why this is a good meal for those days. 

My version of mongo recipe has a lot of veggies. 

Step 1-wash the mongo grains and soak in water overnight.

Step 2-boil in enough water, together with a  pandan leaf and crushed ginger until the grains burst open.   Crush the popped grains by pressing ladle along the sides of the cooking casserole to get a thick mixture. 

Step 3-sautee garlic, chopped onions, tomatoes.

Step4-add in the bell pepper, sliced zucchini (dredge in salt, then washed to remove the bitter juice, wash three times) 

Step 5-add chopped fresh oregano leaves, fresh tarragon and native jalapeño.

Step6-add the zucchini tops and young leaves and florets.  

Step7-put in two tablespoon of shrimp paste. Put in one tablespoon of Chinese cooking wine. 

Step 8-mix until the veggies wilt and add boiled mongo. 

Step 9-mix well, add fish sauce to your taste.

Step 10-sprinkle chopped cilantro and spring onions and serve.  Try it sometime. 

My Granddaughter Turned Ten

On the first day of summer vacation, my granddaughter called her Abolita, her paternal grandma.  

"Lita", she said on the phone, since she couldn't pronounce Abolita in full when she was younger, so grandma remained as "Lita".  

"It's my birthday on Monday, Yana (her cousin, the same age as she), and I want lunch at the Town, then let's shop for my gift".  she said.  Can Abolita refuse?

The next day, we also brought her to lunch.

"Do you like to go to Buona Vita, so you can eat your favorite pasta, ala vongole?", I asked and she was quiet on the other end. 

"How about Le Petite Cherrie, the French restaurant?"

"I love Le Petite, haven't been there for quite awhile and I like to eat the chicken.  But .... wait, it has mash potatoes, can't eat that since that's my Lenten sacrifice", she said. 

"Then have then change that to fries or veggies", I said. 

We ended up at Chili's.  

"What gift do you want, money?", my husband asked while we were having lunch. 

"No, Papa. I like to shop at Peppermint".  That's a brand of girls' apparel.  I gathered she did not like money this time since that will go to her bank.  Her gift from her uncle had that fate.

"Can I get one item here and one accessory at Claire's?",  she asked.  

"Ok", I said.  She got two shorts, and even though I asked her to get a top as well, she refused, "I already have lots of tops Nana".  

"Do you want one more shorts?"

"Try and feel this Nana", she said as she crumpled one, "it's rough, but these two are soft and smooth", pointing to the two she selected.  

Times have really changed.   When I was her age, we my mama bought me dresses at Cinderella herself; I didn't get to choose. 

Two shops from Peppermint, the salesgirl at Claire's greeted her:

"Weren't you here yesterday?"

"Yes", I replied for her.  "She was with her other grandma". 

It took her quite sometime to choose.  She got another costume bracelet almost similar to what she got yesterday. 

When her parents asked what she wanted to do on her birthday, she said she wants to stay overnight in a hotel.   They often bring her traveling, she loves hotel life.  When she turned 8, she celebrated her birthday in Paris.  This was taken on her 8th birthday. 

 This time, her parents took a day's leave from work and they spent the eve of her birthday at the Peninsula hotel.  Here she is having dessert after dinner. 

After lunch the next day, her birthday, they invited her two cousins and her two sets of grandparents for snacks at Stackers.  Here she is blowing the candle on her birthday cake.  

She was sitting beside me, while her mom was ready to take a shot, I saw her hesitate blowing the candle,  instead she closed her eyes about a second or two, and I thought, maybe she made a wish.  Here's more pictures with her parents and also with us.

With Dada and Mama

With Abolita and Lolo

With Nana and Papa

After snacks..

"Mom, can we go to Claire's for awhile, then can we get two cupcakes at Vanilla Cupcakery to bring home?"  Today, her parents are indulgent. 

Happy birthday again, granddaughter!  I'm sure you had a great birthday. 

Forever Friends

In my very first blog, "making old friends gold", I wrote about how we remember or tend to forget friends we meet at the different stages of our lives.  I picked this title from a song taught in grade school.  In part it goes like this:

"Make new friends... But ke-ep tha-a o-old.... One is silver and the other gold....."  

This first blog was inspired by a childhood friend living in the US who came to visit me at that time.  I remember us being very good friends in grade school and high school but did not see each other again after we hugged and cried at our high school graduation.  We recently reconnected on facebook and she came to see me on her next trip home as promised. 

 I wrote that friends in grade school are the ones we remember the most, as we go through life's twists and turns.  I even asked: 

"Are we too pre-occupied in college that we tend to forget friends we made along the way?"  True, isn't it?

But I can't say the same with my three BFsF from college.  They are like family to me.  While I stayed at a dorm all through college, they lived with their parents in the city.  During weekends and holidays their parents would invite me to their homes, and most of the time it was a sleep over.  Dinners at their homes were always a treat to me then, after having enough of dormitory food. I recall one of theIr Moms used to wrap big chunks of cheddar in foil for me to take back to the dorm  to eat with crackers and coke.  I also recall that I was able to entice them to come to my hometown to meet my parents on one occasion. 

  

Last week I learned that they are all in town and they wanted to catch up.  They all live in the US, they left after college, they worked, got married there, raised their children and only came home occasionally. Having been preoccupied with career, marriage and raising kids myself, we hardly had time to meet up when they were in town. 

Though I was initially reluctant to miss my weekly bonding time with my granddaughter to meet their schedule, I felt better after my daughter assured me that it was fine with my granddaughter to miss one bonding day.

"I'll be a bit late", I said as I wanted to take advantage of the first two hours on the first day of a big sale at the mall near us to get my cosmetics supply for the year. 

"Any restaurant you can recommend?", Gee texted.

"Haven't been at the place myself, though my daughter recommend three options, but it's really up to you, after all, it's not the place, nor the food, but the company", I texted back. 

While we were along C-5, Gee called: 

"they wanted to go to NIU Vikings", she told me. 

So lunch was at NIU Vikings, a buffet restaurant that claims to offer the best spread in town. 

They are March celebrants, their birthdays are only a day apart. 

After much eating, drinking, chatting and laughing, we thought we'd walk everything down and we eventually found ourselves at the Skypark on the fifth floor, complete with plants around, a water feature and plant boxes to sit on. 

Not to be outdone, the husbands also asked to take their pictures. 

While at the park, we had more catching up, here we discussed more serious matters, some very personal but since we are best friends, it was okay.  

There was a 3-day sale at the mall as well, so we proceeded to the shops.  I'm at another SM mall regularly for my daily walk so I have lots of opportunities to shop but I surprised myself this time that I bought two dresses.

After shopping around, we went to the Prestige Lounge to rest our weary feet, did more catching up until we felt it was time for dinner.  

"We're still full",  some of us said.  "Let's go to Lugang Cafe and just have dimsum", one of us said. So, back we went to the restaurant row on the fifth floor.  

Dimsum, is it?  But we ended up with a full course meal.  

"Let's just diet tomorrow", Lornz said happily.  Look at this enormous fish, isn't it BIG?

We headed home past nine, tired but happy,  we had a wonderful day!

Catching Up With My Grandson

This quote from Pinterest 

  

This week was one of the happiest, I would say; ever since we retired there isn't much excitement going on here except when we spend time with family and the occasional meet up with friends.  But these are too far between. 

The visit of our 10-month old grandson and his parents created a lot of excitement, it was a great boost to us, pretty much like a concentrated shot of adrenaline. 

The most excited of all however, is my 9-year-old granddaughter, meeting for the first time her only cousin on her mother's family.

"Mama, how I gonna tell my cousin why I'm already 9 and he's only almost one?"  

Her dad replied: "you know what, that's not even a problem".  

She continued: 

"How am I gonna play with him now, he's still a baby?  When he's 9, I'll be 18; and If I skip-count further;  when he's 18, I'll be 27 already".

But here you see her bonding well with her cousin.

The last time we saw our grandson was in late August when we visited him; he was just around four months old then.  Though we get to see his progress weekly when we FaceTime, it's quite different when I got to carry him.  Was he heavy?   You bet!  In fact I felt like I was carrying a heavy rock that moves.  Oops! I had to be careful lest he'll fall off my grasp. 

Last Sunday, we went to see him at his Nona's (his mom's mother) home where they stayed during the visit.  It was a happy afternoon, my son's in-laws were all there; it was quite a reunion, very enjoyable to have seen all of them again.  Of course the center of attention was my grandson; who at first, was over-whelmed with so many people talking at once, and taking pictures here and there with him. 

When we finally sat him down on his high chair for snacks, he had a reprieve; it was then that he started calling attention and when one of us talked to him, he responded with a big smile.  The sound of his laughter is heart-stopping. 

When my son arrived three days after, he called us right away.

"Lets have coffee at Bouna Vita", he invited us. So, here we are, my granddaughter can't seem to have enough of her baby cousin.

The next day, everybody were gathered at our home for lunch.  Though he can't eat this cake yet, I couldn't help myself getting it.  But then I had to be fair, so I also got one for my granddaughter. 

Before they left, my son asked: 

"Let's have lunch at PF Chang tomorrow, the three of us if you're free", he invited me and my husband. 

While at PF Chang midway to lunch, he announced that his wife will bring along my grandson to join us for dessert. 

Oh, wow!   What a pleasant surprise that was!   My son knew how much we like to see our grandson again before they go back home the next day.  Here, we posed before we parted.  

Finally, here he is on the plane going back home.  Looks like he is enjoying the ride. Is he even aware that he's in business class? 

This quote from blakeflanerry.hubpages.com