How Well Do You Know Your Family

Another quiz?  Like the ones that are often posted on Facebook.?  

No, no, no, no, -------wait!  Please continue reading.  This is not a test, you will not  answer twenty questions nor tick boxes. 

How well do you know your family?  The priest asked one Sunday morning during the homily.  I'm sure that many of us who were in the church had mixed reactions;  surely some were proud for knowing exactly how each member of their families tick, while others who must have been defensive started to mentally put together excuses and the rest just had to live with their guilt; depending of course on how much interest, time and effort we devote to each and every member of our families. 

Every time I watch  "Everybody's  Fine", the movie, (one of my favorites because I can relate),  I always cry for Robert de Niro who was lonely and helpless after his wife passed away.  I can truly feel his pain and know exactly what he was going through. 

Busy with work earlier to support his family, he only talked to the kids to enforced discipline.  When his wife passed, he lost his connection with the children that it was difficult to establish good rapport.

When all his children begged off coming home for a planned reunion, he took the initiative to visit each one.  In spite doctor's advice due to a heart condition he took the road trip only to find that they were all preoccupied with their own lives and they barely had time for him.  Moreover, he found that his children's lives were not as perfect as they led him to believe. 

"You always called your Mom,  you never talked to me",  he told his daughter, a  stage performer,  while they were having  dinner in her pretend condo in Las Vegas.  She didn't even tell him that the baby she was looking after is her own. 

My husband and I are lucky that when our children call,  we don't take turns talking on the phone while the other listens on the extension.  We talk to them together instead on FaceTime, this allows us to update each one.  Moreover, we also get to see the latest antics of our growing two-year-old grandson. 

One Aha! Parenting blog mentioned that we have to make a connection that is better established when our children are still young.  It is said that parents and children as well need that connection, thus making the parents happy and fulfilled while  the children feel secure and loved.  

Having a routine with the children even when we are busy with work and other commitments would help develop a connection that would hopefully last beyond childhood.  It's easy once we get used to doing it, my husband and I did just that.  This is a way to develop trust and eventually lead to more sharing. 

I am one who is always watching and asking how each of my children are getting along.  I believe that's not a bad thing because they understand that I'm interested in their lives, their careers, beliefs, ambitions, passions and preoccupation.

Everytime the family get together, I always make time to talk to each and everyone individually.  I ask my granddaughter about school and her friends.  When my younger daughter comes for a visit (or when we do visit), we stay up to the wee hours catching up.  When we meet our son, a good time to catch up is when we share a meal with him.  We talk to our older daughter who is in town everyday so we are updated on each other's day-to-day activities. 

What Robert de Niro failed to do in the movie is to give positive affirmations.   Hugs were not given automatically; loving and encouraging words were never said from the time his children were young; and he never participated in any of their activities.   As a result he didn't have that connection with them as adults, so they stayed distant.

In this digital age however, there is no reason not to get in touch with family on a regular basis even if we live across the seas from each other.   My family never fail to greet each other on birthdays and anniversaries wherever we maybe at the time.   Important events and celebrations are given priority,  our calendars are marked way ahead of time to ensure our presence at the event.

A family is expected to support each other.  In mine, we send consoling words if someone is hurting; oftentimes my daughters send each other a simple text like "hugs" that gives so much more comfort than a lot of words can do.   When someone needs prayer, we ask and everybody will pray; when our newly-born grandson underwent a complicated medical procedure everybody prayed on a specific hour, afterwards, my son said that it was like the 3 o'clock habit. 

Here's another connection we developed early on when we started traveling with the kids; after a vacation with relatives in the US and Vancouver, we messaged our thanks and said that we got back safely.  Nowadays, we still do that to our family, whoever travels would message: 

 "thank you for giving us a good time",  

"The meals were great, your cooking is incomparable"

"Boarding now",

"Just landed safely". 

And the traveler gets back a reply like these:

"We enjoyed your visit, come again soon", 

"Have a safe trip", 

"Safe and happy landings!"

My older daughter will go farther than that, she would message: " we're here at hotel ----now and in room no.-----, whenever she travels with her family.

Oh, and by the way, when our children travel, photos are sent one after another.  

With the above, I don't know what more or how else could a family be closer and could know each other better.  

What Minimalism Taught Me

For many people, the past year was just an ordinary one, but for me, last year is one of the happiest years of my life.  We moved to this new home with renewed enthusiasm for the future.  We've taken away everything we deemed not important. For the first time, I felt everything is in order, and with minor fine-tuning here and there, we have a home running on oiled wheels. 

Thanks to the earlier decluttering  that we did and the simple living ways that we adapted.  As a result, we feel lighter; truly, minimalism is in sync with simple living in many ways. 

"Minimizing is better than organizing", says Joshua Becker in one of his blogs, Becomingminimalist.   His philosophy being that organizing can be a cycle, it has no end, we'll be doing it again sometime soon, if not over and over again.    Minimizing on the other hand gives us some kind of permanence as well as the freedom and the space that leaves us more time to pursue other opportunities.  Yes, take it from me, "I've been there, done that".

Being  a minimalist is very popular nowadays that more and more people are embracing the idea; what with life becoming more expensive.  A great majority of us have come to our senses and finally learned not to be taken easily by sales pitches and advertisements, we now look for value for money and try to acquire only things that are timeless.  Nowadays, some retailers are having a dilemma because tourists minimize shopping, if not totally omit it; they travel more for the experience. 

Though we had decluttered, I realized that we can't totally embrace minimalism.   There are stuff that we're used to having around; old habits are hard to break.  Besides I want a warm house free from clutter but not bare, I still want to put my personal touch; so I kept my celadon collection, a few decorative vases and coffee table books even though my younger daughter asks why buy a book only for the purpose of putting it on your coffee table?  She has a point, right and it resonates with minimalism. 

'

 The good thing though is that I learned to stop shopping except for food and the essentials.   I'm trying to adhere to zero shopping like Cait Flanders' shopping ban on herself as expressed in her blog: Blonde on a Budget. 

But then, what is true minimalism through and through, as in true blue?   Is there a standard?  Can it be measured by the number of stuff we keep, like only 100 pieces or is it 1000?  I have yet to get an answer.  

What I understand though is that by becoming minimalist, we have to purged all of the excesses in our lives, not just material things.  If we eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much, those are excessive.   Spending too much time on facebook or on the phone runs counter to the principle of minimalism.    When we cook too much food and throw away the left overs, we are not minimalists.  My  younger daughter today messaged me that she will limit herself to only two days a week of watching tv, she feels that too much exposure to that little box is not good for her. 

Finally I conclude that minimalism is knowing when and practicing what is enough for us and to overcome which ones are excessive.  

So, what do you think?  Am I on the right track?  Did I put the correct message across? 

My Simple Pleasures

Pleasure is a happy experience we enjoy, however, we may not feel the same degree of enjoyment that is felt by another individual experiencing the same situation.  I believe that it is the lifestyle we are used to, our work, the people we associate with, our family and friends and all the things that make up our lives determine our degree of appreciation. 

Oftentimes we are bored with the circumstances around us as well as with the things we possess.  Sometimes nothing seems interesting anymore, we hang out in the same country clubs, the same vacation resorts and meet practically the same people.   To break this boredom, we shop frequently hoping to find the satisfaction we are looking for, and maybe this will make us happy.   

But pleasure seems so elusive; the pleasure of buying something actually ends the very moment we own it, unless the stuff will sustain our passion.  But the world has so much to give; why not focus on nature?

I recall when my younger daughter suggested that I join the 100-happy-days challenge;  I had to post on Facebook or Twitter what made me happy everyday for 100 days.  Initially, I thought it was really a challenge since I may ran out of things to post, it even got me a bit worried.  But I successfully made it, in fact, some days I even had two or three issues to post.  

My secret?  Awareness is the key.  I lived in the moment, I focused closely on the goings on around me. I paid attention to people, what they said or did; I listened, I felt; I looked at my surroundings with a 360-degree vision; I used my five senses to observe everything.  This made me realize that the simple things are the ones that really give so much pleasure. 

Sometime this week, my husband and I were sitting in the garden, talking.  Out of nowhere, a bird with the long tail breezily passed by close to our faces.  We both stopped talking, smiled and enjoyed that fleeting moment.  That felt wow!  This bird visits our garden many times everyday, sometimes tagging along smaller birds, they like the rice hull we add to the soil mix.  They keep flying about or alighting on the tree or on the ground, they seem comfortable in our presence. That felt nice, I love these garden visitors. 

I find it pleasurable walking before sunrise, the time when it's already light but early enough that the world is still asleep.  I love that it is quiet with minimal movement; except the morning sounds of chirping birds and the movement of the leaves touched by the passing breeze.

With my hot cup of coffee on hand, I go out to the front lawn early in the morning to check on the ornamentals and if I find even a single flower that bloomed, I am delighted so I snap a picture.  

I was so happy when I found not one but four gumamela flowers opened this morning. 

Another morning pleasure is buying and eating "hot pandesal", from Pan De Manila, a famous breakfast staple here like croissant is to the French. 

Oftentimes these little pleasures are taken for granted or even ignored. To take advantage of nature's beauty we must always be aware of everything around us, always take time to smell the flowers, as they say. 

Here are more of the few things that give me pleasure:

Lying down on fresh new sheets and pillows.

Eating toasted crunchy ciabatta drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with rosemary leaves. 

Reading a novel after dinner before going to bed.

Looking through pictures on interior and garden decoration

When my iPad dings and there's a free ebook from Bookbub

Eating breakfast outdoors

The feel of warm latte going down my throat when I take my first sip

The lovely scent of linen spray as I enter our bedroom

Eat Milka chocolate during my downtime. 

The smell of vanilla all over the house when I'm baking raisin oatmeal cookies. 

However, please don't think that my pleasure point is so low that I can't appreciate great pleasure.  Offhand, I can mention three:

When we get together with all my children and their families.

When my granddaughter comes over, hugs me and says:

"I love you Nana".

When we get good news from our children about their work, their achievements or anything good or exciting that happened in their lives. 

But when we FaceTime with our 2-year-old grandson and he is prodded to call me and he says "Nana", oh! that's major pleasure. 

Simplifying our Lives

If we want to simplify our lives, we should begin by purging our material overload; free from tangibles that obviously distract us from a clear mind.  In our case however, the major declutter came later.   

We've always wanted a simple life, but early on when this simple life movement was borne before the turn of the century, this would have been impossible to pursue.  My husband and I were very deep in our commitments at work that we couldn't just drop everything. Simplifying our lives was too far-fetched and I also couldn't have found time to declutter.  When our stuff didn't fit, we just added storage spaces or gave away a few. 

But purging of material things is not the only issue here; it's also about eliminating activities that give us stress or occasions that rob us of time better spent to enhance our well-being and add to our enjoyment.   

When we retired we welcomed the slower pace and the time available to pursue more relaxing activities.   Eager to start, we thought gardening would be an ideal activity, so we bought ourselves a new set each of gardening tools.  But  we just had a pocket garden, how much work was needed there?   True, we had a farm at the south of the metro but it is a two-hour drive to get there and we thought we couldn't be driving that far on a regular basis just to garden.  We couldn't move there either, I still have a store in town to manage. 

Sans the garden we started to focus on ourselves, we started addressing our inner issues while we spend more time for leisure, creativity and exercise as well as planning more  healthy meals.  We engaged in pleasant discussions and mastered navigating the net, because we know that this digital world is here to stay. 

I am aware that we all work to have it all,  to acquire our basic needs first: a home, a car, send our children to the best schools, good clothes; then if at all possible we also want to shop frequently, get the state-of-the-art appliances and other luxuries and to travel regularly.  Because of the hard work we put in to acquire all that, giving up a lot may not be easy.

Obviously simple living is different between you and me because of our individual values, priorities and needs. We have different ambitions, dreams and passions.  Buying a sub-zero refrigerator and a convection oven just to have an enviable kitchen may not be good unless we want to pursue our passion for cooking.  

Some do the extreme by leaving the city to live in the middle of nowhere and literally unplug everything.  Some move to a tiny house after living in a mansion.  All the alternatives are there but how we choose to live depends on what makes us happy. 

Our major declutter finally came when we moved to another home a year ago.  In the process of packing, we were able to give up at least a third of our material possessions.  After this experience, I believe that this process should continue so as not to accumulate again. As they say, one in, one out.  

After purging quite a lot, I learned to be conscious when shopping, not  on impulse.  I keep in mind what the advocates of simple living suggest that just like living, buying should be intentional, buy only what we need and only if this will enhance the quality of our lives. Any addition should not give us more work or more stress. 

Today, we are happily working on our edible backyard garden.  Recently, we bought garden items because that's our current passion and that makes us happy.  We got a table, chairs and garden umbrella.  Of course we also spent on bricks and stones. 

This past year we only bought a few clothes,  grocery shopping is pegged to a minimum nowadays and I only shop when we run out, not anymore weekly.   I'm also mastering the art of cooking for two to avoid left-overs.

Regards decluttering, I continue weeding out items from the stuff we kept.   At the same time we strive to make every nook and cranny of our home inspiring and relaxing. 

Nowadays we have more time to enjoy a cup of coffee in the garden, oftentimes even breakfast while we talk about our schedule, our plans and exchange opinions on current issues; in other words, we are talking more.  We meet with friends occasionally and when the weather allows,  we entertain in the garden. 

More importantly we are taking better care of ourselves, emotionally, physically and mentally.  We read a lot and we challenge our minds to remember things; next to gardening, reading is our other pastime. We heed what our bodies tell us and we don't overwork.  Our hearts tell us that there's contentment.  We are always in close contact with our children who touch home base everyday or every week depending on how busy they are. 

So yes! We are living the simple life and we are enjoying it. 

,